The infusion went well. My brother and sister came to spend time with me which I thoroughly enjoyed. The side effects were not quite as bad as the first one although I had a few new ones. The cisplatin drug that I get infused with can cause some neurological damage. I had some problems forming words the week after the infusion but that seems to have worn off, thankfully! I sounded like I had marbles in my mouth or was talking with a lisp for a few days J I’ve also had a very high pitched ringing in my ears. This hasn’t gone away and is pretty much constant. I had it on and off after the last infusion but this time it started and hasn’t stopped yet. I talked with my doctor yesterday and he said that unfortunately there isn’t anything that can be done but it should diminish over time. This is just a cumulative side effect of this drug.
I have 1 more infusion to complete this salvage chemo; it’s next weekend. Boy does that time go by fast! I have CT scans next Thursday to show the progress of how the cancer cells have reacted to this chemo regime. If they have reduced at all then the doctor will lower the amount of cisplatin I receive next weekend to lessen the cumulative side effects. If the cancer has not responded at all then we will use a different drug completely for the last infusion.
There are 2 issues the doctors are trying to address in my cancer treatment: 1. I have cancer cells in my lung and maybe still a small tumor in my chest in the original spot. We're addressing those with this salvage chemo. 2. My body is manufacturing new cancer cells in my blood stream and we need to stop my body from doing that. I will be undergoing an analogous stem cell transplant in April. I don’t have the exact dates yet. For those of you who watch Good Morning America, this is exactly what Robin Roberts just went through with the exception of me being my own donor rather than a sibling. If the tests show after the transplant that my body is still making cancer cells then I will undergo another transplant with one of my siblings as my donor.
I started reading all of the info that I’ve been given on the transplant process. It’s pretty involved! Up until this point I haven’t wanted to know the details because it wasn’t time yet. I still had to just get through the salvage chemo regime. Well, now it’s time J Best case scenario, I will be in the hospital for 2 weeks; worst case, 5 weeks. The month following that I will not be able to work and it could be up to 6 months. The full recovery process can take up to a year. When you get new stem cells you celebrate another birthday. It’s like starting all over; like being a newborn. I have to treat my 35 year old body like I would treat a newborn in what I expose myself to. It will also take 2-4 weeks to get past the side effects of the chemo I will receive. Before they actually give me new stem cells I will undergo a week of daily high dose, intense chemo treatments. This is to clean out my bloodstream so to speak; kill everything in my bloodstream and bone marrow and then transplant new stem cells and see how they respond. I’ll be completely honest: I’m not looking forward to this J
How I choose to think and what I choose to believe become very important at this point in my life! I have a range of emotions I experience as I think through this. My thoughts however continue to be focused on what I believe to be true about God and about the world. I continue to be grateful for so many things. I really do have SO many things to be thankful for. I don’t feel alone or abandoned or helpless. I do feel tougher after this salvage chemo. I look back at my original chemo regime I went through last year and think what a breeze it was compared to what I’ve been through this year. I look ahead and think what I have yet to experience will make what I’m going through now seems like a breeze. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can’t do this alone. I know that no matter how brave or strong or tough I am it will not be enough for what I have to face. Death is certainly a possibility but what is more likely is a long uphill battle to fight for day to day life itself. I have many friends reading this with so many different belief systems. To some of you this will make sense; to others it won’t but you will respect my belief system as I respect yours. My pastor was sharing on Sunday the work of God within us and it really captures my beliefs so I want to share how I’ve gotten this far and how I plan to get through the next year. True story: a famous movie star was chatting with his son about a recent action movie he starred in. The son was so proud of his father and was talking about the different scenes and what the father did in them. Each scene depicted the father doing some brave, swashbuckling deed to save the day. Each one the son brought up though the father had to say, “well that wasn’t me son, that was my stunt double.” “What’s a stunt double?” the son asked. “Well, that’s someone that dresses up like me and wears my clothes and does the stuff I can’t do.” “Oh” the son replied, “so what did you do then?” “Well, I guess I didn’t do much but I get all the glory” the father replied. This to me is the role God plays in my life. Some of you call it faith, some God, some the Divine, some strength. Whatever you call it, you recognize that in every person’s life there are things that we are not capable of getting through on our own. This cancer is one of those things for me. I’m not going to lie; it stinks. It’s painful. It sucks all the fun out of life. It makes day to day survival a battle. It’s expensive. It’s debilitating. I can’t do it on my own. I just can’t. It’s too much. I don’t have the physical, emotional or spiritual ability to fight this day in and day out. Insert stunt double. Here is where I smile, breathe a sigh of relief, sit back and enjoy the ride J I can’t tell you the number of days I’ve reached out to my “Stunt Double” and like zipping on a jumpsuit I went about my merry way. People look at me and comment almost every day about my positive attitude or strength. The truth is it’s my “Stunt Double”, not me that they see. I really am happy J I’m smiling as I write this thinking of all that I have to be thankful for. I’m grateful for the journey I’ve had and look forward to the road ahead. If you want to hear more about my “Stunt Double” email or call me and I’ll share J He’s pretty amazing and I know He’s always willing to take on new jobs.
My brother started a donation page for me: http://www.gofundme.com/28ahqs. I don’t currently have a way to pay my household bills while I’m out of work for my transplant; much less address the impending medical bills. I’m not worried about it but I am thankful for people who care and are taking care of me J
Thank you for your prayers and notes of encouragement. They can change my day :) I know many of you are also experiencing losses and medical problems. I hold you up in my prayers!